Yes Geoffe, my experience echoes everything that you said. This is my eternal conundrum that I face is wanting to go on really really being in that place where I feel connected to everything, but finding myself eventually getting into the paranoia and mania, and then the inevitable fall. The doubt, and difficulty accessing how it felt in the ecstatic mindset.. and only being able to intellectualize that mindset, yet when I'm ecstatic again I have no problem understanding what was going on in my mind in the downswing. Then you talk of fitting in and being in groups, and then the alternative loneliness. I totally relate to all of that, and with this, as most things, I try to remember to aim at balance. As usual that's complicated because what does that look like and how does one do it, and then my mind goes to just remember that everything both is and isn't. But then if one can't believe, where does one find the resolve to be disciplined or committed to something? The decision paralysis. At some point I will move towards ecstasy again and feel like I know what I'm supposed to be doing and moving in the flow with it, wisdom seemingly pouring into my life from nowhere, and in the back of my head I wonder who's going to take advantage of me now in this state, or when will I lose my resolve and let this endeavor into friendship, or career, or passion crumble. Must riding these waves be extreme? And if they aren't extreme, is it because I'm just not letting myself feel? Sometimes I just don't know how I should be, and other times I am the opposite, I know, and I am God. I think the only place that maybe I will fit in is amongst others who riding those waves the same, but probably as usual the opposite is also true. Well fuck 🤷🤔🥹🤗✌️💙 Thank you Geoffe... Kristin 🌝
I sent this post out as a sort of SOS, hoping to find out I wasn’t totally alone in this way of experiencing the world. I’m really grateful to you for commenting all this. FUCK is it relatable! Thanks for assuring me you’re seeing what I’m seeing. The validation is priceless. ❤️
YES! I’m digging this article so much!! Ever since the early daze of my being in the CM discord server, I have felt your emotional warmth and expansive vulnerability about deeply personal and/or uncomfortable topics.
I hope that this post can be a welcoming signpost for people who see that our shadows our not immutable.
I’ve always learned that embracing a label is a strong first step towards a longer-term commitment. Even for seemingly negative connotations -- for identities like “trickster”, “bastard”, or even “creep” -- I think there’s a way to flip the script. In the appropriate setting, these disturbed personalities can thrive.
One random example... I think we’ve all witnessed political figures parading as righteous civil servants, yet tending to appear even more silly than what our society says we deem “outsider”.
Further, I think these egotistical behaviors tear down the social infrastructure were going to need to navigate the many crises we face.
I am committing to “make a stranger more comfortable” as the creekmasons manifestó goes, as this rebuilds communties in the most beautiful and sustainable way. Outsider or not, at the end of the day, we’re somewhere on a spectrum. Let’s strive to be ourselves, and the rest will fall into place.
Yes Geoffe, my experience echoes everything that you said. This is my eternal conundrum that I face is wanting to go on really really being in that place where I feel connected to everything, but finding myself eventually getting into the paranoia and mania, and then the inevitable fall. The doubt, and difficulty accessing how it felt in the ecstatic mindset.. and only being able to intellectualize that mindset, yet when I'm ecstatic again I have no problem understanding what was going on in my mind in the downswing. Then you talk of fitting in and being in groups, and then the alternative loneliness. I totally relate to all of that, and with this, as most things, I try to remember to aim at balance. As usual that's complicated because what does that look like and how does one do it, and then my mind goes to just remember that everything both is and isn't. But then if one can't believe, where does one find the resolve to be disciplined or committed to something? The decision paralysis. At some point I will move towards ecstasy again and feel like I know what I'm supposed to be doing and moving in the flow with it, wisdom seemingly pouring into my life from nowhere, and in the back of my head I wonder who's going to take advantage of me now in this state, or when will I lose my resolve and let this endeavor into friendship, or career, or passion crumble. Must riding these waves be extreme? And if they aren't extreme, is it because I'm just not letting myself feel? Sometimes I just don't know how I should be, and other times I am the opposite, I know, and I am God. I think the only place that maybe I will fit in is amongst others who riding those waves the same, but probably as usual the opposite is also true. Well fuck 🤷🤔🥹🤗✌️💙 Thank you Geoffe... Kristin 🌝
I sent this post out as a sort of SOS, hoping to find out I wasn’t totally alone in this way of experiencing the world. I’m really grateful to you for commenting all this. FUCK is it relatable! Thanks for assuring me you’re seeing what I’m seeing. The validation is priceless. ❤️
like !
YES! I’m digging this article so much!! Ever since the early daze of my being in the CM discord server, I have felt your emotional warmth and expansive vulnerability about deeply personal and/or uncomfortable topics.
I hope that this post can be a welcoming signpost for people who see that our shadows our not immutable.
I’ve always learned that embracing a label is a strong first step towards a longer-term commitment. Even for seemingly negative connotations -- for identities like “trickster”, “bastard”, or even “creep” -- I think there’s a way to flip the script. In the appropriate setting, these disturbed personalities can thrive.
One random example... I think we’ve all witnessed political figures parading as righteous civil servants, yet tending to appear even more silly than what our society says we deem “outsider”.
Further, I think these egotistical behaviors tear down the social infrastructure were going to need to navigate the many crises we face.
I am committing to “make a stranger more comfortable” as the creekmasons manifestó goes, as this rebuilds communties in the most beautiful and sustainable way. Outsider or not, at the end of the day, we’re somewhere on a spectrum. Let’s strive to be ourselves, and the rest will fall into place.
As a fellow porch smoker at parties, always putting myself on the sidelines. I really appreciated this post.
Thanks! Can we make the sidelines a worthy place to hang out? Can we find our own sense of safety and belonging among the other Others?